Today’s post is fraught with emotion. My emotion. I’ve had a late and rough night and am ready for my nap this afternoon before night shift tonight. Today’s post is not typical of posts on this blog of late (or even of the past year, probably) but it is what is on my heart.

This 30 Days of Happiness Project isn’t going so well, or rather not as "flowing" as I had hoped. I had wanted to post something nearly every day in this category and it obviously hasn’t worked out that way. It has been on my mind a lot the past day or two though, as has the idea of starting a gratitude journal (which I had done once before several years ago) and/or a Thousand Gifts list. I need these daily reminders of all that is wonderful in my life and, as my boyfriend and I are facing some big issues that could potentially (in all honesty) result in the end of our relationship, I also need to open my eyes and see all the "ordinary" gifts that are in the every day.

 

Today I post the gift of God’s grace evident in the snow that blankets everything with pure, fresh white. This first snowfall of 2009, which comes the morning after a difficult and emotional conversation late the night before, gives the promise of God that He cleanses and heals us washing us whiter than snow, that He knows our hearts and our hurts, that He longs to hold us and comfort us and lead us if we would only let Him.

"Give praise to the Lord, O my soul; let not all his blessings go from your memory."
              Psalm 103:2 BBE (Bible in Basic English)

I’ve come across this beautiful post by Brandy over at Grace Like Rain in which she speaks of the snow and its significance and lessons to her.

I am a born-again Christian. This will be news to some and not news to others. Regardless of my walk (or lack thereof) with Him these past few years nothing can change the fact that I am a child of God, that He once saved my soul and that this salvation can never be taken from me, and that He continues to love me and cherish me and watch over me while He waits for me to return completely to Him.

I believe in a quiet, unassuming testimony of words and deeds, a testimony which clearly declares, "I am a Child of the King", one which is the result of a joyful heart and a genuine love and not of how one "should" behave or speak. I believe we are accountable to God and that our lives are between Him and us as individuals, not something to be dictated by man or convention or tradition. If and when I ever post on this blog about my faith, in all its shambles or strength, I hope that it is never in a preaching manner. I want it to simply be. I absolutely love Ann Voskamp’s blog, A Holy Experience. She is by far the most genuine, joyful, inspiring, and lyrical writer I have ever read online. She has a gift. A tremendous gift. God is using her so much more than she knows. Each of us saved by His grace have a tremendous gift as well. We just need to learn to be open to it and allow ourselves to be filled and used by Him.

"Look!! I made a chocolate chip!"

B was playing this afternoon while I was puttering in the kitchen attempting to tidy it up when I heard "Look!! I made a chocolate chip!" I looked over and saw him excitedly pointing to his track, which in the past has only ever been an oval, a circle, or an un-joined road. He made me laugh, as he often does, and was more than happy to pose beside the track although we did have to work on getting rid of the camera face (he tends to tip his head back and do a bad cheese smile).

A somewhat grainy picture of my boy with his jack o’lantern. His SK class went on an outing to a pumpkin farm this week and he brought home a pumpkin. We ended up with a nicely-sized bowl of seeds to roast tomorrow. He did a great job scooping out the seeds and most of the guts while I cleaned up the inside a little bit more and did the cutting after he helped me mark out the shapes.

 

I haven’t shown my completed kitchen reno yet but you can see the
new hall wall colour here. Next up: living room!

This is B’s third year in the Learn to Skate program offered by the local skating club. The first year was a bit of a bust between him flipping back and forth between wanting to do it and not wanting to and my work schedule preventing us from going every week. The second year he did alright but really took off (relatively speaking) right at the end. This year I could have moved him up to the next level but chose to keep him one more year in the first one and he’s enjoying it. He’s been taking more risks and I can see the concentration as he does it. I love this boy! I love the time that he and I have almost every week to do this together (it’s a child/parent program). I love seeing him grow.

 

I remember the day these pictures were taken. It was October 6, 2007 but it feels like yesterday. A couple of weeks previous to these pictures I had met the guy who would become my boyfriend and on this day we went out to a small hamlet outside of town to do some "partridge hunting", which, by his daughter’s definition, just meant taking a walk in the bush with a gun during partridge season. We drove out, parked, and struck off down some of the old roads and trails. It was mild but damp as it drizzled on and off the whole time.

B was a few months shy of turning 3 and he looks so tiny in these pictures. I love the Fievel Mousekewitz appearance he has going on.

 

 

So I sort of fell off the face of the blogosphere after that last post. Life is a bit unpredictable these days but today brings the first of 30 photographs in my (copycat-ed) 30 Days of Happiness project. I’m crossing my fingers that, though the 30 days in this project do not need to be consecutive, it sure would be nice to have them all relatively close together with only a day or two gap at the very most.

 

I love this picture. It was taken by my brother while B was out east at his place this past August. Both R and K were incredibly generous in inviting B out and having him for a little over two weeks.

I love the misty/foggy lake, the huge expanse of lawn (they have an absolutely gorgeous house and property), and though I’m not sure how to put it into words, this forever-captured image of K showing B how to fly a kite brings me to tears (during my weepier moments). I see such beauty in this photo. And a little humour as it appears that K’s jacket has ridden up exposing his stomach and his underwear above his waistband when in reality, the bottom of his jacket is a brown/orange shade and the white is his t-shirt.

My brother took a few other sequential shots and I love the familiarity (this was really the first time B met K, other than a minute or two once or twice in the past), the genuine happiness and comfort. I am so thankful that B has these men in his life - R, K, my boyfriend S, and my dad. What more could a boy need?

Yesterday’s post seems to me, upon re-reading it, to be incomplete or jumbled. Maybe it’s not. I feel like I’ve left so many pieces out. I just have so much going through my head and so many things to do that I can’t even order them tidily in my own mind. Hopefully in time I will be able to articulate it better.

In an effort to not lose sight of what is important in the midst of all this, I think I’m going to copy Bluebirdbaby and begin a 30 Days of Happiness project tomorrow. My photos won’t be as beautiful and sometimes-haunting as hers but I hope to gain a renewed appreciation of what is all around me. As I continue to aim for a simpler way of life, I need to be reminded of the beauty that is found everyday at my fingertips if I would just open my eyes and see it with my heart. I will post photos of things that I find beautiful, things that make me happy, and things that I hope to achieve (not obtain). Maybe I’ll even learn a little about my camera in the meantime and improve my photographs.

Because this little booger

 

On his flight to the east coast this August

is what is important. Before anything else. He’s nearly five. That’s five years of his life that haven’t been the way they could have been. Five years of his life that he’s been crying for help and I didn’t see it or attributed it to something else (or just brushed it off as "he’ll grow out of it"). I’m sorry, baby. The next five are going to be the best I can make them.

 

Self portrait with my brother, who appears to be somewhat perplexed.