Today’s post is fraught with emotion. My emotion. I’ve had a late and rough night and am ready for my nap this afternoon before night shift tonight. Today’s post is not typical of posts on this blog of late (or even of the past year, probably) but it is what is on my heart.

This 30 Days of Happiness Project isn’t going so well, or rather not as "flowing" as I had hoped. I had wanted to post something nearly every day in this category and it obviously hasn’t worked out that way. It has been on my mind a lot the past day or two though, as has the idea of starting a gratitude journal (which I had done once before several years ago) and/or a Thousand Gifts list. I need these daily reminders of all that is wonderful in my life and, as my boyfriend and I are facing some big issues that could potentially (in all honesty) result in the end of our relationship, I also need to open my eyes and see all the "ordinary" gifts that are in the every day.

 

Today I post the gift of God’s grace evident in the snow that blankets everything with pure, fresh white. This first snowfall of 2009, which comes the morning after a difficult and emotional conversation late the night before, gives the promise of God that He cleanses and heals us washing us whiter than snow, that He knows our hearts and our hurts, that He longs to hold us and comfort us and lead us if we would only let Him.

"Give praise to the Lord, O my soul; let not all his blessings go from your memory."
              Psalm 103:2 BBE (Bible in Basic English)

I’ve come across this beautiful post by Brandy over at Grace Like Rain in which she speaks of the snow and its significance and lessons to her.

I am a born-again Christian. This will be news to some and not news to others. Regardless of my walk (or lack thereof) with Him these past few years nothing can change the fact that I am a child of God, that He once saved my soul and that this salvation can never be taken from me, and that He continues to love me and cherish me and watch over me while He waits for me to return completely to Him.

I believe in a quiet, unassuming testimony of words and deeds, a testimony which clearly declares, "I am a Child of the King", one which is the result of a joyful heart and a genuine love and not of how one "should" behave or speak. I believe we are accountable to God and that our lives are between Him and us as individuals, not something to be dictated by man or convention or tradition. If and when I ever post on this blog about my faith, in all its shambles or strength, I hope that it is never in a preaching manner. I want it to simply be. I absolutely love Ann Voskamp’s blog, A Holy Experience. She is by far the most genuine, joyful, inspiring, and lyrical writer I have ever read online. She has a gift. A tremendous gift. God is using her so much more than she knows. Each of us saved by His grace have a tremendous gift as well. We just need to learn to be open to it and allow ourselves to be filled and used by Him.

Yesterday’s post seems to me, upon re-reading it, to be incomplete or jumbled. Maybe it’s not. I feel like I’ve left so many pieces out. I just have so much going through my head and so many things to do that I can’t even order them tidily in my own mind. Hopefully in time I will be able to articulate it better.

In an effort to not lose sight of what is important in the midst of all this, I think I’m going to copy Bluebirdbaby and begin a 30 Days of Happiness project tomorrow. My photos won’t be as beautiful and sometimes-haunting as hers but I hope to gain a renewed appreciation of what is all around me. As I continue to aim for a simpler way of life, I need to be reminded of the beauty that is found everyday at my fingertips if I would just open my eyes and see it with my heart. I will post photos of things that I find beautiful, things that make me happy, and things that I hope to achieve (not obtain). Maybe I’ll even learn a little about my camera in the meantime and improve my photographs.

Because this little booger

 

On his flight to the east coast this August

is what is important. Before anything else. He’s nearly five. That’s five years of his life that haven’t been the way they could have been. Five years of his life that he’s been crying for help and I didn’t see it or attributed it to something else (or just brushed it off as "he’ll grow out of it"). I’m sorry, baby. The next five are going to be the best I can make them.

 

Self portrait with my brother, who appears to be somewhat perplexed.

It’s been awhile. It’s been a tough month. Sure, there have been great days but there have also been a lot of bad ones. And I’ve finally taken the first step to changing that.

A quieter section in the Eau Clair Gorge near Kiosk, ON

If you’ve read this blog for awhile you know that B has been experiencing some difficulties for a few years. I can’t pinpoint when they started but I know that they are very disruptive to family and social life and have been for some time. I’m not happy, people around him aren’t happy, and B himself isn’t happy. I don’t think it’s the cause of any one particular thing but rather a combination of several things including inconsistency from me and his other primary caregivers (I am a shiftworker so he only spends half his time at home, if that), environmental sensitivities, food sensitivities, and perhaps mental, emotional, or other factors influencing his relationships, development, behaviour, and emotions. I have contacted a Hands office and my boyfriend, who has been in B’s life since shortly before he turned 3, and I are committed to figuring this out. One of the choices I have made is to find a job in which I will work straight days instead of shifts as I do now. It is the only way I can see to make this work. My boyfriend and I do not live together and when I am working nights or weekends (14 nights spread out in groups of one, two, three, or four over seven weeks including working four out of seven weekends), my mom has B at her house. Even if I were to be able to get her on board, the only way to guarantee 100% consistency is to have B at home for meals and to sleep every night. My current job is not a passion nor is it something that I wake up looking forward to every morning. It is a job, it pays very well, and it comes with a pretty good benefit package. That is not enough to keep me there when my child’s health and happiness, and the health and happiness of our family unit, is at stake. And, if a worker is to be in our home for awhile to get a picture of how things are on a regular basis, B will need to be consistently here as they will need an accurate picture.

Another area of change, or maybe just an expansion on an existing one, is to begin a gluten-free, casein-free diet in addition to the artificial additives (dyes, preservatives, and flavours) that we already cut out. My boyfriend and I have noticed big changes in B’s behaviour by cutting out additives and while I do not think that his issues are solely related to his food intake, I’m of the "what can it hurt?" frame of mind. If it helps further, why not? If it doesn’t help, he’s still not being harmed. Going GFCF is not in the immediate works, however, as there are too many outside influences at the moment, including, as mentioned, the other caregivers. From experience with the additive-free diet, I know that my mom will have trouble with GFCF and while part of me thinks, "It’s potentially B’s health and happiness!" another part of me feels that this is my child and it is my responsibility to figure out how to make this work. I feel that having B at home is what is best, even apart from the food issue. He is beyond tired of bouncing back and forth as he has done since he was a year old and I returned to work after my maternity leave. He’s pretty good about it most of the time but voices his opinion strongly at other times. I’m not happy with the set-up, he’s not happy, so why continue it?

There is a lot to think about, a lot of decisions to make and a lot of changes too. Already things that were a priority for me have slipped down the scale. My bathroom reno is no longer at the top of the list, for example. While my bathroom remains hideous and dated and ugly, the money that would be spent on that is now needed in the event that I take a month or two off work to implement these changes. There are two possibilities, one being that I find a lucky star which bestows on me a full-time day job and the other being that I don’t find a job as quickly as I’d like. If I don’t find a comparable job soon I may end up taking a month or two off work and, while continuing to look for a job, use that time to implement changes, to be consistent, to change his diet, to meet with the school and with the workers at Hands, to basically re-work our life. Even as I type this, I can see how taking time off may seem drastic and unnecessary but I do believe that it would help us. It was also suggested by our intake worker, which further confirms it for me. I am a single parent all of the time, a solo parent, and it is just B and I. Sure, my boyfriend loves him as his own but he is not yet his parent, he is not in our house, and B and I are the only two people that make up our family unit at this point. B is worth it.

 

S and B enjoying some sun on the rocks at the waterfront yesterday

The new school year has arrived here and B is currently on his third straight full day of school. As it happens, I am on the second of three days off and will be starting six days off next Wednesday. I’m enjoying the days to myself but only time will tell how my schedule will affect B now that he’s in school five days a week. I worked nights on Tuesday and Wednesday and ended up getting up at 7:30 in the morning to take B to school from my mom’s because otherwise we would have gone two days without seeing each other. He did say to me yesterday when I was dropping him off that he wished that day was the last day; I think he’s already feeling the change of having school every day. After a summer off and a school year last year of going Monday, Wednesday and alternate Fridays, this is a change. And he’s still four so he’s still pretty young.

Days to myself give me the opportunity to do things that would otherwise be a little more difficult and I have a laundry list of things to do on these two remaining days and my days off next week. The closet in the back entrance is coming along nicely and I’ll soon be able to start painting, which I’m very much looking forward to. I can’t wait to see my walls with the new colours. I’m also thinking of painting my front door. My boyfriend painted his steel door (or whatever they’re made of) last year and it looks great. Such a simple change makes such a big impact on the look of the house. If I did that, I think I’d remove the screen door. Even if I don’t leave the loveseat in front of the door (and disguise the door from the inside), we never use the front door except to reach out and get the mail from the mail box. The front of the house is unbearably hot beginning about an hour past noon and the door swings open directly into the living room. It’s also an old and beat up screen door and the bottom rubber needs replacing as it’s about half the depth it used to be and leaves a gap above the door step.

The laundry list reads like this:

• tomato soup - B requested this for supper so I need to pull out my puréed tomatoes to thaw
• meatballs - I have three pounds of ground turkey in the fridge
• peaches - I chopped and froze some peaches last night and now I need to bag them
• lawyer - general questions regarding adoption given the fact that B’s father has zero interest or involvement with him
• One Kids Place - I need to get B in to see someone regarding his inability to process (or maybe just express) his emotions other than in the form of hitting and tantrums
• laundry - move it from the washer to the clothes line
• wash kitchen window
• rhubarb - chop and freeze what’s in the fridge
• cauliflower - steam, purée, and freeze or make soup to freeze
• bathroom - quick clean
• GPS - I am on my third Tom Tom since October 2008 and I am getting incredibly frustrated!
• gift for E - my boyfriend’s daughter has a birthday
• door pulls - for the kitchen cabinets
• baggies - for the rhubarb, peaches, and cauliflower purée

Some things can be left for another day but some need to be done today. I’m still on the hunt for cabinet hardware but I came across this post over at Life In the Fun Lane and think this might be a good solution. I’ll check out prices on those type of pulls and go from there.

Tuesday morning I picked up a few things to go with the living room remodel and will give you a sneak peek.

 

 

Hopefully things will move along relatively quickly and the big reveal won’t be too far down the road. Considering I haven’t started yet (painting will come first) and I need to find some more furniture pieces, I may be being overly optimistic. And my dad comes home this weekend so the bathroom reno will be happening before he leaves to go back overseas. I’m not sure how long he’s home for but it’ll at least be a few weeks. He’s my electrician, tub surround installer, and countertop guy. I’m going to try being my own toilet guy (if I go with a new toilet in white) and I’m looking forward to being the wall tile remover as well. Smash!! Stay tuned!

I’m copying this idea from an earlier post by Sara over at Walk Slowly, Live Wildly. She got it from The Simple Woman’s Daybook.

Outside my window…
The sky is sunny in spots and overcast in others. It’s about 14C.

I am thinking…
About getting up to rinse out my oatmeal bowl.

I am thankful for…
Health and the health of those I love.

From the kitchen…
Breakfast was a simple bowl of oatmeal with ground flaxseed and a mashed peach mixed in. This was shared with B.

I am wearing…
My flannel pj pants and a long-sleeved red t-shirt. It’s time to wash my hair and get dressed.

I am creating…
Plans in my head for my kitchen/living room makeover and the closet to be added to the back entrance.

I am going…
To do my best to prevent any fights with B today.

I am reading…
Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen.

I am praying…
For strength, patience, and wisdom to do a better job of encouraging B instead of discouraging him.

I am hearing…
A squirrel scolding someone or something outside. Chik, chik, chik…

Around the house…
B is playing at my feet with his truck and some Mega Bloks while watching a Baby Looney Tunes DVD.

One of my favorite things…
Is a clutter-free house. So why don’t I have one?

A few plans for the rest of the week…
Soccer tonight, work tomorrow, Toronto on Friday to take B to meet my brother and fly out to Nova Scotia, and working Saturday through Monday. Plans for today are to run a few errands (kiddie Gravol, a neck pillow for the car trip to the airport, vitamins, etc), go to the park before it rains, and pack his suitcase so it’s ready to go.

What’s wrong with a little child labour?

 

That’s sunlight on the floor, not paint.

It’s not like I don’t have to go over the entire floor right after he’s done to pick up all the stuff he’s missed. And he wanted to vacuum. Honest.

A friend posted a link on Facebook that really hit home in all its complex simplicity (sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it?). I wish I had been sitting in that room as Paul Hawken gave this particular commencement address to the Class of 2009 at the University of Portland. You can read it here.

I used to think I wanted twins. Now, I’m not so sure. I’ve been watching my nephew for the past three days and have one more day tomorrow. His mother and sister are out of the country and his dad drops him off in the morning at 7:30 on his way to work and picks him up at 5:30. B was 4.5 in May and my nephew will be 4 in about a week so it’s not technically like having twins but it’s been pretty crazy. They have a love/hate relationship and my days have been filled with constant noise (the can’t-hear-myself-think variety) and bickering. It seems that each of the boys has a serious case of Mustdisagreewitheverything-itis. They also seem to have a no-less-serious, and in fact, roaring, case of Mustbefirstateverythingandannounceitloudlymultipletimes-itis. If this is what having two four-year-olds is like… Though I guess it would be a little different if this household had always had two four-year-old boys instead of all of a sudden "acquiring" them. Regardless, half an hour after my nephew got here this morning, I couldn’t help but remember this scene from yesterday afternoon and long for it to be afternoon again.

 

 

I love it when this happens. Usually. Unless it’s pushing 2:30 or later in the afternoon. Today it was around 2:45.

 

We don’t usually wear shoes in the house even if they’re not dirty like these but the floors
are awfully dusty right now and we’re also safeguarding against errant nails.

I can’t remember what the issue was that brought this about. I was tired and it was noisy in the house - hammers, saws, the vacuum, banging boards into place, etc. B was feeling the commotion too and whatever the issue was, he got upset at me and pouted. He got on the couch as you can see, buried his face in his hands, and refused to acknowledge me for about five minutes. Which is when I heard him snoring lightly. Amidst all the noise. He fought me off when I tried to stir him to take him downstairs to bed, where it was quieter.

Tonight as I was putting him to bed I commented on his nap and he said, "I must have been super very tired because I didn’t hear any noise at all." Poor kid woke up with beads of sweat all over his face (his hair was wet too when I tried to wake him) and corduroy-like lines across his forehead, knees, and down his legs.